The Triantiwontigongolope

The Triantiwontigongolope (the true story) Didus thylacinus

Contrary to popular belief, The Triantiwontigongolope was written by John Lennon and not Darles Chickens or even DJ Cennis. It tells the story of the now extinct creature, a cross between the Dodo and the Tasmanian Tiger, back in the time of Jesus.

It is a total myth that the Romans would throw Christafarians to the lions as a sport in large arenas. There were of course no lions in Rome (lions are only found in Africa) and it was in fact the fabled Triantiwontigongolope that massacred the poor victims of the Romans' gruesome appetites. They would tie up the victims' feet so they couldn't run away, then hurl them into the pit after they were coated in vegemite and hundreds and thousands.

The Christafarians became so distraught that eventually they secretly staged a sit-in and prayed for Divine intervention. The Lord of Warriors, Blood Sacrifices, Croquet and Other Bloodthirsty Sports heard their fervent pleading and sent the Buddha to solve their dilemma.

At first they were jubilant, praising the Lord non-stop for 3 days and nights in celebration. But when the time came to confront the Roman barbarians, the Buddha just sat before them in the lotus position and meditated. At first the Romans laughed and made fun of His pose. They danced around, cracked jokes, threw insults and even started poking him in ridicule. Still, the Buddha maintained his intense meditation, unwavering in his attempt at peaceful reconciliation.

"What do you think you're doing?" the Christafarians objected. "Don't just sit there! Do something!"

The Buddha thus broke his prolonged trance and addressed them as follows: "As you would surely know, I incarnated on this planet to preach Ahimsa, the doctrine of non-violence. Therefore it is quite fitting that I have arrived to relieve your suffering from this unjust and inhumane persecution. However, I cannot force the Romans to stop. They will not listen to reason and it is completely against my principles to lift even a single finger in violence as punishment to them.

Therefore I chose to meditate and by attaining deep trance I was going to become one with their souls, melt their hearts with love and kindness so that they would naturally become gentle and averse to cruelty. Because they are such numbskulls it was taking me longer than expected to affect them. Your impatience disturbed my transcendental consciousness and broke my purification ritual.

Wallowing in guilt, the shameful Christafarians feebly pled once more for the Buddha to try it again. But it wasn't to be. "Now that they know the secret it will not work on them, for their hearts are now guarded with vengeance. I will have to try something else instead," said the Buddha.

And so this is how the Triantiwontigongolope came to be extinct. Of course the Buddha couldn't kill them, no more than he could harm the Romans. He could however grant them liberation and turn the Triantiwontigongolopes into Angels and send then off to Heaven. And that's exactly what He did. The Romans decided to eat all the leftover vegemite and hundreds and thousands and the Christafarians went back to their caves and their strange "incense" (as they liked to call it). End of story. True!

[Written, spoken and authorised by Sam Treloar for the Australian Lullaby Party]

Pictured: Didus thylacinus

Triantiwontigongolope (Dodus thylacinus)