Thursday, January 23, 2020

The Affliction Known As Cricket.

Also known as Crest Ticket, Done-ay International, Bag Bish or imited lover 20/20, the affliction known as cricket is a Personality Disorder sometimes diagnosed as an incurable mental illness characterised by an obsession with wearing either brightly coloured pyjamas or plain, completely white attire; a sandpaper fetish, secretly carried by concealing it in the underwear; and a peculiar fascination with getting constant updates on the health of the batsman ('how is he?').

The aim of the game is for one side to repeatedly launch small red round missiles at the defending batsman who attempts to either dodge them or deflect them away without getting hit. If successful, sometimes the paired batsman at the missile launch end will instigate a furious scampering up and down the wicket where they change ends. Sometimes they can't seem to decide which end they wish to stay at, and, if the missile is retrieved and then thrown at the empty end when one or both are in the middle, one of them then walks off the ground disgusted - swearing, spitting, and bashing or throwing his bat on the turf.

Seemingly gluttons for punishment, the ridiculed team sends another hapless victim out to face more missiles. This continues until the defending team has run out of willing participants and the two teams change positions.

That  gives the team that was initially attacked a chance to extract revenge - now it's their turn to launch missiles at the other. This goes on for a set number of overs, hours or days depending on the format until they either give up, get sick of it, or are too injured to continue.

In the end, if a truce isn't called one team may be declared the victor; invariably this results in the losing side declaring war and demanding a rematch. There seems to be no end to this madness, teams always seeming to be able to find someone else to stage another battle with if the losing team vanishes.

Lots of money changes hands. There's the TV rights; players have to be paid in order to coerce them into facing more missiles: and spectators pay money to enter the stadiums and/or place bets on who will survive. Even more afflicted fans of the idiotically suicidal practice follow the sport via media, either in their homes as lounge lizards flat out drinking, or as wandering nomads tinkering with their mobile phones wherever they may be.

Such is the affliction known as cricket!